Premier League’s Dark Arts, One-Footed Stars, and Sterling’s Record: Sharpe End’s Alternative Awards

The Sharpe End of Season Awards: A Twist on Premier League Highlights

As the season wraps up, clubs with birds on their badges dominated England’s trophies—Liverpool (Premier League), Tottenham (Europa League), and others, leaving Chelsea to disrupt the pattern by claiming the Champions League. But beyond the silverware, let’s dive into the quirky, data-driven side of the campaign.

The Hare & Tortoise Award: Micky van de Ven vs. Adam Lallana

Tottenham’s lightning-fast defender Micky van de Ven topped the speed charts at 23.1 mph, edging out Man City’s Matheus Nunes (22.8 mph) and Forest’s Anthony Elanga, whose 85-meter sprint against Manchester United secured a stunning goal. At the other end, Adam Lallana (Southampton) lumbered along at 17.2 mph—proof age (37) slows even the sharpest minds.

Van de Ven: Speed demon of the season.

Better Late Than Never Award: Mo Salah

Mo Salah clinched his fourth Golden Boot with 29 goals, but 19 came after the 60th minute, including 8 in the final 15. Contrast that with Erling Haaland, who scored 12 of his 21 goals in the first half-hour. Salah’s clutch finishes mirrored his 84th-minute equalizer against Crystal Palace, while Haaland’s early strikes set the tone.

Salah: Master of the late show.

One-Foot Wonder Award: Cole Palmer

Every one of Cole Palmer’s 15 goals came via his left foot—making him the league’s most lopsided scorer. Bruno Fernandes and Eberechi Eze trailed with 8 right-footed goals, while defenders Virgil van Dijk and Gabriel netted three headers each.

Palmer: Chelsea’s left-foot maestro.

Lionel Messi Walking Award: Matheus Cunha

Wolves’ Matheus Cunha walked 77.1% of his minutes—more than any player—yet still contributed 21 goals/assists, including 5 long-range stunners. Virgil van Dijk followed (76.6%), proving composure trumps chaos.

Master of the Dark Arts Award: Dominic Solanke

Tottenham’s Dominic Solanke committed 36 fouls without a single yellow card. Compare that to Newcastle’s Dan Burn, booked 11 times for 34 fouls, or Arsenal rookie Myles-Lewis Skelly, sent off twice for 11 fouls.

Safe Hands Award: Jordan Pickford

Everton’s Jordan Pickford prevented 6 more goals than expected, per Opta’s xG data. Leicester’s Danny Ward, meanwhile, conceded 6 goals in 1.5 games, three deemed “savable.”

Pickford: Everton’s shot-stopping hero.

Barn Door Misser Award: Raheem Sterling

Sterling failed to land a single shot on target from 11 attempts—the league’s worst return. Everton’s Jesper Lindstrom squandered 28 shots, with 10 on target but zero goals.

Sterling: Struggling to find the net.

Unlucky Playmaker Award: Lucas Paqueta

West Ham’s Paqueta crafted 36 chances—yet zero assists. Newcastle’s Jacob Murphy turned 42 chances into 12 assists, highlighting the Hammers’ finishing woes.

Invisible Man Award: Chido Obi

Manchester United’s 17-year-old Chido Obi made 61 off-ball runs, but teammates spotted just 7. A brutal introduction to top-flight football.

Immovable Object Award: Tyrone Mings

Aston Villa’s Mings became the first since Van Dijk (2018/19) to go 12 starts/1,121 minutes unbeaten in dribble duels. A rock at the back.

From late winners to stealthy fouls, this season blended brilliance and absurdity. As birds soared on badges, these awards celebrate the quirks that define football’s unpredictable drama.

(Images: Getty/Daily Mail | Data: Opta) (Word count: ~650)